LITTLE ADVENTURE

And tonight the feeling came back. The fear that often comes, the ones i kept denied. The fear of attachment. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of losing myself over you. The fear of finding yourself walking away. The fear of not finding a way back home, when you're no longer here. Where will I go, then?  Is there even a safe place called 'home'?

"Why am i here, by the way?" I kept thinking this way--not for a short few minutes but for a pretty long period of time. I kept thinking that i wasn't good enough for anyone, dan kayanya ga akan pernah deh bisa deh buat sesuai sm standar yg orang2 punya. Not pretty enough, not hardworking enough, not great enough in terms of anything. As if gue ga deserve juga buat ada di posisi skrg. Kaya ga oke aja ya buat disayang, atau ga memungkinkan aja buat jadi orang yg bisa diandalkan. Kayanya ga bisa, ga boleh, ga pantes, dan harusnya bukan gue yg ada di sini? It should've been someone else, a better one, prettier one, yang mungkin punya ability buat jadi favoritnya semua orang. Yang jelas bukan gue aja. Gue beberapa kali dalam beberapa minggu terakhir ngerasa kalo gue ngga deliver maksimal dalam beberapa hal, dan even for the great things i do--rasanya gue masih salah aja, masih kurang aja. Gue nggak berhenti nyari jawaban gue kurangnya di mana, salahnya di mana, dan ketika...

  To my dearest buddy--well now is my boyfriend, Naufal Ariq, i have no idea if someday you'll read this words or no. I probably wont show this to you and i am sorry for keeping this as a secret.  Deep down, im truly happy for your existence. Youre like a sun after my stormy days. You brought uncountable laughs, joys, and im totally grateful for having you around. As a bestfriend, and now a boyfriend, which---i still never expected this. When i heard that you love me too, i wouldnt believe it.  But for real it, please let me be kind and treat you well with no fears, no doubts, without being scared of watching you leave like others in my past.  Please let me love you slowly, unconditionally, without me needing to ask for anything in return because i believe you'll do things for me without i have to explain.  Please make things easy for us and i will do the same.  Please stay, please let me be your light in your darkest days, let me be your home when you're e...

 Kata orang, kalo lo pengin punya jodoh yang sesuai sm keinginan lo, and then you have to define first what kind of people do you want, supaya lo nggak terlalu gampang "sparkled" by things yang sebenarnya bukan kebutuhan atau keinginan lo, just because "adanya itu" atau "kebetulan lagi kesepian aja". So here's my list of criteria yg akan gue cari di jodoh masa depan gue, yang hopefully i can find them as soon as i can. - height >170cm - well behave - nggak norak, following the trend - bisa gue ajak diskusi soal apapun especially current issues going on in our country - suka olahraga - rajin ibadah, punya basic keimanan yang kuat, krn gue sangat amat perlu dibimbing - nggak ngebosenin untuk sering2 gue ajak ngobrol - punya pekerjaan yg settle, will be nice if the salary is higher than me - pintar soal investasi dan mau belajar - bisa solving issues, mandiri, nggak bingung mau apa di hidupnya - hardworker. kerja keras banget jauh sebelum mikirin senan...

 Lately gue banyak merasa that i'm a failure for feeling "enough" with my current life situation and not craving for more or having any other ambition. Apakah gue salah? Gue cukup iri anyway dengan my peers yang punya semangat tinggi perkara mengejar karir dan mimpi mereka. They also seek for self growth even grinding MUCH MORE than i do. Which eventually membuat gue jd berpikir bahwa "dengan gue merasa santai dan cukup with everything i currently have, kayanya gue salah. kayanya yg bener adalah gue harus punya clear ambition dan selalu punya sesuatu untuk gue kejar di usia 20 an ini." I dont wanna look back and regret for not doing much things, but changing the habit of feeling lazy is also hard for me.

People said that a university ends in a random Tuesday. Well, what if i say that a comfort  found on a random Thursday night? **** It was a hard thing for me to listen, to understand, to let myself learn more about a person. I used to see things that I wanted to see, or I used to believe things that I wanted to believe. Gue punya tendensi untuk hanya mengerti hal yang gue mau mengerti, tapi nggak dengan hal-hal yang gue gak tertarik untuk dalami. Sama halnya dengan manusia. Gue cenderung menjaga diri untuk nggak tau terlalu banyak tentang siapapun. Kadang, tau terlalu banyak itu menyeramkan. Gue merasa keberatan (kadang) untuk diberi kepercayaan tentang satu dua hal penting mengenai seseorang, karena sampai saat ini gue sendiri nggak pernah berani untuk buka trauma terdalam gue ke siapapun. Bukan karena gue nggak kenal sama orang yang baik, tapi lebih karena gue punya ketakutan ketika orang itu tahu apa titik kelemahan gue. Something that scares me, something that very traumatized ...

Gue selalu merasa berat saat harus pindah dari satu tempat ke tempat yang lain. Kadang rasanya marah dan bingung, kenapa gue nggak bisa settle aja sih di satu tempat? Kenapa gue harus terus menerus ninggalin tempat yang gue udah nyaman banget, dan mulai hidup dari nol di tempat yang baru? It's been happening many times. Saat gue lulus kuliah, dapat kerja pertama kali, penempatan pertama, kedua, dan ketiga. Dari yang jauh banget sama Jakarta, sampai yang jaraknya cuma 30 menit naik pesawat. Tapi gue selalu punya believe bahwa yang namanya keputusan Tuhan itu akan selalu baik, termasuk perkara "berpindah". Kalo di dalam islam, mungkin kita kenal istilah hijrah, di mana orang itu berpindah dari satu titik hidup ke titik yang lain, dalam konteks untuk menuju kehidupan yang lebih baik. Gue nggak akan bilang bahwa perpindahan area kerja gue ini adalah hijrah, tapi entah kenapa semakin gue berpindah--kualitas hidup gue terasa selalu menjadi lebih baik. Gue nggak bilang bahwa gue...

How many times i feel embarassed when it comes to expressing my love towards other and don't get the same in return? Uncountable. --- This one is probably a little bit different. Liking someone who's currently a friend of mine. It's a little bit weird to having another intention than friendship to someone i've known so long as a good friend. Well i'm still denying it tho. I kinda think that this "butterflies" and "joy" that i got is just because i am all alone living here and he's the only one who's there to bring me colors. Just like what happened before with the others.  It's me, lacking the idea of how to color my canvas, and then he brings his own crayons to paints. It feels so good, i even have no idea how to express it other than crying and laughing. So funny that it's kinda feel like not-so-me. I used to be so rushed. I used to aggressively forcing my demands. I used to begged. But this time, i feel like praying is all i ca...

 It's such a super sad line that ive just said repeatedly about myself. Most of the times, i thought that i can never be good enough for anyone. I saw people leave, I saw people not put anything to fight for me, I saw that people chose the others rather than me.  I came to a realization that, maybe i'm just not suitable for anyone. I hope it's just a current situation that won't happen that long. I wish it's just a phase then i'll find the right one someday. No matter how much i sell myself, promoting myself, i just never find if that's the right idea to do. Here, in January, i felt like imma just keep my tone a little bit lower than before. I'm trying to not be too loud, or saying too much things. I'll just work on something. It feels so lonely to be here alone without anyone to rely on, and knowing i've lost lots of my friends for idk whatever the reason is. But maybe, i'll be just fine soon. Watching people leave is never a new thing. I...