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Since i can't talk much to you

How many times i feel embarassed when it comes to expressing my love towards other and don't get the same in return? Uncountable.

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This one is probably a little bit different. Liking someone who's currently a friend of mine. It's a little bit weird to having another intention than friendship to someone i've known so long as a good friend. Well i'm still denying it tho. I kinda think that this "butterflies" and "joy" that i got is just because i am all alone living here and he's the only one who's there to bring me colors. Just like what happened before with the others. 

It's me, lacking the idea of how to color my canvas, and then he brings his own crayons to paints.

It feels so good, i even have no idea how to express it other than crying and laughing. So funny that it's kinda feel like not-so-me. I used to be so rushed. I used to aggressively forcing my demands. I used to begged. But this time, i feel like praying is all i can do.

Maybe it's because i'm too tired for predicting people?

Maybe it's because i got too many traumas from my past?

Maybe it's because i just have no energy left?

"But God, please let is be easy for me. If he's not the one, if everything is temporary, if he'll end up with someone else, please just keep me sane. I don't wanna waste another time dealing with someone that can't be mine, or someone who's not meant to be with me since the first place."


I'm too tired of being an option.

I wanna be loved naturally too. I wanna give my love too. But i'm too scared to sacrifice it all.

I'm trying my best moving forward to a better place.

I'm trying my best prioritizing things for my future.

I'm trying my best not losing myself over someone.

But can I please just have my turn? 

Can I please find my beautiful ending?

Can I please have something like what others got?


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I hate reading thoughts and predicting people's intention on me. If it's not clear enough, i'll probably leave soon. But this time, i might gonna wait a little bit longer. May I?

I'm not ready yet to risk myself, but my heart says lets keep going for this one. It's a rare-found. It's not that easy to find someone that connects me easily. Those midnight laughs, daylight chats, weekend dessert and daily hustles, i cheer them all. It's such a huge blessing to finally be able to find someone who's willing to spend it all with me even if we're just friends. 

I can't describe much of how happy i am for the past few weeks by having him around. Life is just feels more alive. It's like listening to my movie soundtrack playlist on Spotify. Living a dream i've wished so long. God, i miss that. I miss being happy and sharing things with the one i loved.


Just please, let me make it to the end for this one.


BDL, 31st Jan 2025.

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