Skip to main content

Well, maybe

 I just went silenced when you threw me the question, "why?"

I can't speak but thinking - is it real? Is it true that it hurts or is it just me-being overly dramatic on things i shouldn't worry about at all?

I can't figure out why. I kept calling myself back, why. 

Is there any unhealed trauma that still sit right in me? Blown up as a chaos every time it gets triggered? 

Maybe it's because i spent my whole childhood watching my Mom crying-where i couldn't help her, i couldn't help myself either. Feeling worthless, helpless - where i wasn't supposed to exist.

Maybe it's because i spent years of life watching my Dad lying & screaming. Leaving me feeling like i need to find an escape out of my own so-called home and family.

Maybe it sounds confusing. Maybe it seems unusual. Maybe it's out of your reach.

Maybe you won't get it.

Maybe now, or later on, you'll still find me crying-or not knowing what to do-or find it hard to process things. 

Maybe you'll see me playing ghost when i see something threaten me - when i see you having the potential to hurt me.

Maybe it's the baggage that i'll forever keep inside. 

Maybe it'll forever be my biggest weakness i won't ever talk about.

Maybe it'll shut me down, someday.

And maybe these whole time i was just too good at pretending. 

Maybe the idea of me being ready for love was never true. 

Maybe it's gonna be me - loving you, but will never me - being loved.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

18 days post the break up

25 Okt 2024, writing this on 18th days post our break up.  Aku gak tau akan tujukan ini ke siapa, tapi mungkin ke kamu, and let me just be honest here.  3-7 hari pertama adalah yang paling berat, i can not stop blaming myself for what happened. I look back, regret, sesekali aku berpikir bahwa keputusanku untuk udahin ini semua terlalu terburu-buru tanpa banyak pertimbangan. Sesekali aku menyesal, thinking i shouldve done better, i shouldve treated you better, i shouldve not hurt you and broke my promise in the first place. Aku bertanya, mencari alasan kenapa ini semua gak bisa diperbaiki. Kenapa kita sama-sama gak usahakan lagi? Luckily, everything answered the moment we met. Kamis malam, di Bandung, i cant do anything but freeze. The night was cold, the only thing that felt warm was your hug. I was too scared to sit right beside you. I was too scared to put my trust back on you. It feels like being with a stranger with so many familiarities. Like ive known you so long but at ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Is it really a 'Serendipity'?

 17th Aug, 24. It's never too late to start writing back, no? I decided to open up this blog and start writing some thoughts,knowing that life has been a bit chaotic the past few months. Maybe if i could take a word to describe, i'll choose 'Serendipity'. Serendipity. noun. ser·​en·​dip·​i·​ty ˌser-ən-ˈdip-ət-ē :  the gift of finding valuable or agreeable things not looked for. Kalo gue tarik mundur the exact 6 bulan ke belakang, gue sadar i found so many new faces, places, & created memories yang gue ga pernah expect untuk ada dari dulu. People i thought never exist suddenly came up with each of their unique roles. Gue cukup banyak mengambil keputusan lucu yang impact ke hidup gue significantly sampai hari ini. And most of them--adalah sesuatu yang gue ga pernah benar-benar cari atau expect to happen . Like it was just, happened , accidentally. Six months ago, i declared myself that i loved someone, let's call him M, i loved him so much that I thought i wont le...
Post a Comment
Read more

Hi, Riq

  To my dearest buddy--well now is my boyfriend, Naufal Ariq, i have no idea if someday you'll read this words or no. I probably wont show this to you and i am sorry for keeping this as a secret.  Deep down, im truly happy for your existence. Youre like a sun after my stormy days. You brought uncountable laughs, joys, and im totally grateful for having you around. As a bestfriend, and now a boyfriend, which---i still never expected this. When i heard that you love me too, i wouldnt believe it.  But for real it, please let me be kind and treat you well with no fears, no doubts, without being scared of watching you leave like others in my past.  Please let me love you slowly, unconditionally, without me needing to ask for anything in return because i believe you'll do things for me without i have to explain.  Please make things easy for us and i will do the same.  Please stay, please let me be your light in your darkest days, let me be your home when you're e...
Post a Comment
Read more