People said that a university ends in a random Tuesday. Well, what if i say that a comfort found on a random Thursday night?
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It was a hard thing for me to listen, to understand, to let myself learn more about a person. I used to see things that I wanted to see, or I used to believe things that I wanted to believe. Gue punya tendensi untuk hanya mengerti hal yang gue mau mengerti, tapi nggak dengan hal-hal yang gue gak tertarik untuk dalami.
Sama halnya dengan manusia. Gue cenderung menjaga diri untuk nggak tau terlalu banyak tentang siapapun. Kadang, tau terlalu banyak itu menyeramkan. Gue merasa keberatan (kadang) untuk diberi kepercayaan tentang satu dua hal penting mengenai seseorang, karena sampai saat ini gue sendiri nggak pernah berani untuk buka trauma terdalam gue ke siapapun.
Bukan karena gue nggak kenal sama orang yang baik, tapi lebih karena gue punya ketakutan ketika orang itu tahu apa titik kelemahan gue. Something that scares me, something that very traumatized for me to experience, well--gue selalu menghindari topik itu dari pembicaraan manapun.
Menyesal untuk bercerita, sesekali. Sometimes the relationship between me and those people i chose to vulnerable with didn't end well. We became strangers (most of the times).
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So here's a little about the Thursday night i told you on the first line.
Me and him, we just went out last night. Let's call it a movie night, a play around, a night drive, a catch up at the very last minute before he leaves the town. Ternyata cukup menyenangkan ya untuk melakukan hal-hal yang gue not really into but i did it anyway cause i love spending time with him. We went to the cinema. The last time i came visiting was a half year ago, itupun karena diajak teman-teman gue. So it's never my hobby anyway. I was just looking for something we can do together, as a bestfriend, obviously.
The movie was nice, even though i can't relate much, karena hidup gue tidak "suffer" di bagian sama. I do have traumas and pains, but it wasn't reflected in the movies. Well, but he did relate so much. I accidentally watched him cry and listened to his side of the story.
'it must be so hard' i thought.
It's always painful to see people dealing with something that they can't predict. They aren't able to see when it's going to end. They will just go with it, accepting all the things they should've not experienced, turning their angers into an apologize, even for the uncertain amount of time. They can escape a little, but they can never get rid of it.
How can you get rid of your family? You can't. You won't have any choices except to accept it. You love them unconditionally.
At least that's what happened to me, years ago even since the first place i wasn't able to speak.
Our conversation makes me realize that people are suffering too. Everyone has their own battles that they don't talk about.
Dan menurut gue, orang-orang yang punya keberanian untuk akhirnya menceritakan itu ke orang lain adalah orang yang hebat. I can't even bare my tears telling people for the trauma i've dealt with a long time ago.
Also, believe it or not, those painful things we need to face are the ones that shaped us today. So i decided to not judge. Mungkin gue nggak akan lagi mau menilai orang dari apa yang "kasat mata", i believe everyone got their own reason for behaving that way.
***
Now i understood some reasons, dan gue sadar bahwa mendengarkan dan mengenal lebih dalam tentang satu dua orang itu bukan sesuatu yang salah. The more i know someone, the more i got into their perspective, the more i knew how they live on their shoes. Dan untuk yang kali ini, gue bersyukur untuk bisa jadi satu dari sekian kecil orang yang dia percaya untuk dengar ceritanya.
We need a comfort before telling stories, aren't we?
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