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Showing posts from January, 2025

Cerita soal pindah ke Sumatera

Gue selalu merasa berat saat harus pindah dari satu tempat ke tempat yang lain. Kadang rasanya marah dan bingung, kenapa gue nggak bisa settle aja sih di satu tempat? Kenapa gue harus terus menerus ninggalin tempat yang gue udah nyaman banget, dan mulai hidup dari nol di tempat yang baru? It's been happening many times. Saat gue lulus kuliah, dapat kerja pertama kali, penempatan pertama, kedua, dan ketiga. Dari yang jauh banget sama Jakarta, sampai yang jaraknya cuma 30 menit naik pesawat. Tapi gue selalu punya believe bahwa yang namanya keputusan Tuhan itu akan selalu baik, termasuk perkara "berpindah". Kalo di dalam islam, mungkin kita kenal istilah hijrah, di mana orang itu berpindah dari satu titik hidup ke titik yang lain, dalam konteks untuk menuju kehidupan yang lebih baik. Gue nggak akan bilang bahwa perpindahan area kerja gue ini adalah hijrah, tapi entah kenapa semakin gue berpindah--kualitas hidup gue terasa selalu menjadi lebih baik. Gue nggak bilang bahwa gue...

Since i can't talk much to you

How many times i feel embarassed when it comes to expressing my love towards other and don't get the same in return? Uncountable. --- This one is probably a little bit different. Liking someone who's currently a friend of mine. It's a little bit weird to having another intention than friendship to someone i've known so long as a good friend. Well i'm still denying it tho. I kinda think that this "butterflies" and "joy" that i got is just because i am all alone living here and he's the only one who's there to bring me colors. Just like what happened before with the others.  It's me, lacking the idea of how to color my canvas, and then he brings his own crayons to paints. It feels so good, i even have no idea how to express it other than crying and laughing. So funny that it's kinda feel like not-so-me. I used to be so rushed. I used to aggressively forcing my demands. I used to begged. But this time, i feel like praying is all i ca...

Maybe i'll just never be chosen by anyone

 It's such a super sad line that ive just said repeatedly about myself. Most of the times, i thought that i can never be good enough for anyone. I saw people leave, I saw people not put anything to fight for me, I saw that people chose the others rather than me.  I came to a realization that, maybe i'm just not suitable for anyone. I hope it's just a current situation that won't happen that long. I wish it's just a phase then i'll find the right one someday. No matter how much i sell myself, promoting myself, i just never find if that's the right idea to do. Here, in January, i felt like imma just keep my tone a little bit lower than before. I'm trying to not be too loud, or saying too much things. I'll just work on something. It feels so lonely to be here alone without anyone to rely on, and knowing i've lost lots of my friends for idk whatever the reason is. But maybe, i'll be just fine soon. Watching people leave is never a new thing. I...