25 Okt 2024, writing this on 18th days post our break up.
Aku gak tau akan tujukan ini ke siapa, tapi mungkin ke kamu, and let me just be honest here.
3-7 hari pertama adalah yang paling berat, i can not stop blaming myself for what happened. I look back, regret, sesekali aku berpikir bahwa keputusanku untuk udahin ini semua terlalu terburu-buru tanpa banyak pertimbangan. Sesekali aku menyesal, thinking i shouldve done better, i shouldve treated you better, i shouldve not hurt you and broke my promise in the first place. Aku bertanya, mencari alasan kenapa ini semua gak bisa diperbaiki. Kenapa kita sama-sama gak usahakan lagi?
Luckily, everything answered the moment we met. Kamis malam, di Bandung, i cant do anything but freeze. The night was cold, the only thing that felt warm was your hug. I was too scared to sit right beside you. I was too scared to put my trust back on you. It feels like being with a stranger with so many familiarities. Like ive known you so long but at the same time i didnt know you at all. I knew right the perfume youre wearing, it reminded me of some of the old memories yet youre nothing but a stranger wearing “his” perfume. It took me hours to finally feel comfortable around you. It was weird. I used to be so easy to get along with people but all i did was remain quiet. I cant talk much, cant express what i feel but that maybe cause i didnt even understand what i was actually feel that night.
I was confused, not even understood whats the meaning of it all. Aku ga paham apa yang kamu cari, apa yang kamu butuh dan pengin dari pertemuan kali ini. Maybe just a closure? Maybe just a goodbye? Maybe the “last bite” just to leave a good marks? Maybe to apologize? Maybe to make me regret things even more? Maybe to make me feel guilty as im the worst person on earth who got the power to hurt you so much?
The noon, night, and morning discussion came along. I finally heard what you truly knew, what you truly feel. You told me you were tired of me asking for break up almost in every week, you told me you were tired for holding me back every time i asked to leave, you told me you were tired of seeing me lying to you for someone else. I felt so much guilt in my deepest, i can't barely breath but cry loud. I looked at your eyes, knowing it was the pair that ive been staring at for 2 years, yet now i lost it. I held your hand, knowing it was the big ones im holding on to each time every time we met, the big ones that comfort me and fit mine the most. It was getting hard, it's like i can feel the pain going through you, i understood what kind of hell i put on you along the journey, and why you wanted me to stop. I got it. I was wrong, i put so much mistakes on us, i broke the trust you built. Im such a bad person, not even worth anything to you.
More and more of the talks, I finally reached back the reason why I wanted this in the first place. The reason why I asked for a break up almost monthly, and made you all tired of me. It was YOU. I realized it didnt only come from me, but it was from you as well. I was tired, I had no more patient for you, I can't wait any longer for the things you shouldve given since the first day. You said you can't trust me because I lied. You said you can't treat me right because you were scared of me leaving. Yet it happened long, so long, even before i lied to you for the first time. You didn't treat me right since the first day. You only triggered and do better when someone else do that for me. You only moved forward when it's a competition, when I challenged you with others, when I compared you with others. Without them all, you did nothing to keep but wanting me to stay.
I didn't explode, I wasn't even mad. I accepted every single thing you said and denied nothing. I wished I could say that I'll do better, but no...i can't. Why would i hold you back when you're not even sure about yourself, and your future ahead? Why would i put so much trust in your potential when you didnt even know which one to put on the table? Aku merasa, mungkin selama ini, aku cuma jatuh cinta sama potensi kamu, yang sampai hari ini aku belum lihat mereka benar-benar "exist to the surface". Mungkin aku cuma jatuh cinta sama "the idea of you that i made on my head", yang sebenarnya nggak ada, dan kamu nggak bisa fulfill ke sana.
It sucks to hear you giving up so many times on yourself. I don't wanna live with someone who gave up on themselves. What about me? What if things get hard? What if things dont come as we wished? Will you also give up and find the blame on others instead of fixing it? I think it was the moment i hardly understand that i must let go of us.
A week after our last meeting.
Life get though, but at least i got my Mom. Akhirnya aku cerita semua soal kamu ke Mama, setelah 2 tahun aku tutup rapat-rapat all the fun and tears. I finally open it up, aku jujur how bad it is destroying me, how bad it is hurting me sampai aku ga bisa work myself properly. If i could, if im brave enough, i wouldve apologized to Mama for not listening to her back 2 years ago before it all started. She told me that i'll be strong enough to go through all these heartbreaks. I just need to pray, get closer to god, wish myself for the best i could have. And maybe it's not you, not us, not all the nights and days we spent together lying to our parents? Maybe it's not the confusion we brought to each other? Maybe it's me, surrounding myself with the good ones? Maybe it's you and your hobbies? Maybe it's just, not us being together?
I couldnt ask for anything but a big heart to let it all go. Aku cuma berdoa sekencang-kencangnya supaya Tuhan bisa kasih aku rencana yang lebih baik, and i trust him for that, aku pasrah, aku gak lagi-lagi minta kamu untuk kembali, atau kita untuk jadi lebih baik, i just pray the best for me and you, even if it means to be separated forever.
I was still mad, being honest. Aku masih marah karena aku merasa 2 tahun ku sia-sia bangun hubungan yang akhirnya bisa diprediksi dari awal. Aku marah ke diriku karena aku ga mendengarkan apa yang teman-temanku bilang 2 tahun lalu, bahkan sepanjang perjalanan, dan sampai akhirnya kita benar-benar bubar. But there's no use of being mad anyway.
Surprisingly, life gets better this week. Aku sudah mulai bisa bekerja 8 jam, tidur nyenyak (walau masih agak sedikit terlalu lama), dan bisa melakukan hobiku tanpa dipaksa. I can still go out with friends, talk with people, engage with strangers, and discuss for something "matters" which isn't about us.
Hari ini, 25 Oktober, aku bisa bangun tidur dan melakukan semua aktivitas normal seperti biasa, tanpa perlu terdiam dan ingat-ingat kamu dulu. Aku merasa aku bisa maafin kamu, menghiklaskan semua, dan cukup lapang untuk bisa berteman lagi sama kamu. Maybe it's time for me to pay all my debts, my promises yang aku belum sempat penuhi ke kamu, ya? Mungkin semua memang butuh waktu, mungkin ini saatnya aku untuk accept everything the way it is?
Sometimes aku merasa jahat untuk bisa merasa baik-baik aja dalam waktu yang singkat. Ini baru 18 hari setelah kita putus dan aku sudah bisa merasa "ikhlas", aku sudah bisa membuka dan mengisi hatiku dengan hal yang lain, dengan cinta yang baru dari hal-hal yang aku lakukan, dari orang-orang yang aku temui. It feels so good. The best part is that, hidup rasanya kembali berwarna, rasanya semua awan hitam yang selama ini menutup langitku tiba-tiba pergi, rasanya aku bisa mulai melakukan hal-hal baik ke banyak orang, dan juga ke kamu, Fan. Aku selesai memecah semua kemarahanku, dan aku bisa membuka tanganku kembali buat kamu. Kali ini, as a friend to help, tanpa aku meminta apapun kembali dari kamu.
I always pray the best for you, for me, for us, for the sake of your future.
It may hard for me to finally see you with someone else one day, mungkin akan berat bagi aku untuk tau kalau akhirnya kamu memperlakukan orang lain dengan baik tanpa syarat dan kondisi seperti aku. Tapi, this is the art of loving, no? You'll be happy when someone you love finally grow, you'll support any good thing that came to them, you want them a good life, just like your prayers for yourself. Aku akan selalu mendoakan yang terbaik ke kamu, sama seperti doaku ke orang-orang terdekatku yang lainnya. Aku akan bantu kamu, as much as i can, as much as you asked, even when there's someone else already helped you, bet thats how a friendship works tho. ^_^
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