Skip to main content

Mempertanyakan hidup lagi, Nad?

Gue bener2 clueless bgt sm hidup gue lately. Curiously thinking, 7 bulan terakhir rasanya kaya lagi floating, ngga tau mau ke mana, ga tau apa yg gue kerjain bakal menghasilkan apa, ga tau akan ada di posisi ini berapa lama, sampe kapan. I just dont have any destination to go, and im going nowhere. Gue rasanya kaya lagi running on treadmill, keep doing it tapi ga tau ujungnya akan sampe di mana. I just live, with no goals, no ambitions, no dreams, no hopes. Feel like im losing myself bgt.

Gue ga bener-bener punya orang yg gue percaya buat cerita. Too sad to be open up anyway. Yakin gue berani nangis2 being true to people? Sama temen lama aja gue ga berani. Sama orang terdekat apa lagi. Sama keluarga?oh, nopeee. All they knew is im beyond happy sm hidup gue sekarang. Or at least, kalo gue ngerasa gue kosong, ujung2nya cuma diminta buat "banyakin bersyukur". And what i believe the most is, people hate me when i'm showing my true colors; desperate, gloomy, and sad. Orang2 ga akan mau gue bebanin sama cerita hidup yang isinya "galau ga tau mau ngapain" dan "i find it hard figuring things out". I believe everyone has they own struggles as well dan gue ga mungkin bisa dateng2 ceritain hal yg ga bagus ke mereka.

Tiap kali gue mempertanyakan hidup gue ini buat apa dan ke mana, gue berusaha bersyukur sama apa yang ada skrg. Gue ga komplain satu hal pun. Gue ga komplain soal kondisi kantor yg lagi chaos, atau kota yang ngebosenin, atau biaya pulang yang mahal, atau keluarga dan temen2 yg jauh dari tempat gue skrg. I do grateful for everything i got on my hands rn. Ga ada satupun hal yg gue rasa kurang apalagi gue sesali. It's just me, losing sparks of life. Hidup gue kaya ga ada warnanya. Its all just stable, datar, no ups and downs, ga ada sesuatu buat dikejar. I used to run into someone tapi yang kali ini ada bener2 bikin gue hopeless dan i dont think my latest relationship could work jadi gue mencoba untuk ga invest too much on this. Might be a wrong perspective but its the only thing that could save me from going insane. Setidaknya--gue jadi ngerem buat lakuin hal2 impulsif yang nunjukin kalo gue cinta banget sm doi. I just--limiting myself in few things to prevent me from any harm.

Gue lagi belajar banget buat ga put any expectation on people. Keluarga, sahabat, pacar, anyone. Yang gue expect itu cuma diri gue sendiri aja. Mungkin setelah nulis ini gue bakal coba figure out apa yang sebenernya gue mau dan butuhkan di dunia ini. Mungkin harusnya gue produce and think more instead of consuming things too much. Mungkin harusnya gue membatasi diri untuk ga perlu tau terlalu banyak hal. Ga ada salahnya sih buat dicoba!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

18 days post the break up

25 Okt 2024, writing this on 18th days post our break up.  Aku gak tau akan tujukan ini ke siapa, tapi mungkin ke kamu, and let me just be honest here.  3-7 hari pertama adalah yang paling berat, i can not stop blaming myself for what happened. I look back, regret, sesekali aku berpikir bahwa keputusanku untuk udahin ini semua terlalu terburu-buru tanpa banyak pertimbangan. Sesekali aku menyesal, thinking i shouldve done better, i shouldve treated you better, i shouldve not hurt you and broke my promise in the first place. Aku bertanya, mencari alasan kenapa ini semua gak bisa diperbaiki. Kenapa kita sama-sama gak usahakan lagi? Luckily, everything answered the moment we met. Kamis malam, di Bandung, i cant do anything but freeze. The night was cold, the only thing that felt warm was your hug. I was too scared to sit right beside you. I was too scared to put my trust back on you. It feels like being with a stranger with so many familiarities. Like ive known you so long but at ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Is it really a 'Serendipity'?

 17th Aug, 24. It's never too late to start writing back, no? I decided to open up this blog and start writing some thoughts,knowing that life has been a bit chaotic the past few months. Maybe if i could take a word to describe, i'll choose 'Serendipity'. Serendipity. noun. ser·​en·​dip·​i·​ty ˌser-ən-ˈdip-ət-ē :  the gift of finding valuable or agreeable things not looked for. Kalo gue tarik mundur the exact 6 bulan ke belakang, gue sadar i found so many new faces, places, & created memories yang gue ga pernah expect untuk ada dari dulu. People i thought never exist suddenly came up with each of their unique roles. Gue cukup banyak mengambil keputusan lucu yang impact ke hidup gue significantly sampai hari ini. And most of them--adalah sesuatu yang gue ga pernah benar-benar cari atau expect to happen . Like it was just, happened , accidentally. Six months ago, i declared myself that i loved someone, let's call him M, i loved him so much that I thought i wont le...
Post a Comment
Read more

Hi, Riq

  To my dearest buddy--well now is my boyfriend, Naufal Ariq, i have no idea if someday you'll read this words or no. I probably wont show this to you and i am sorry for keeping this as a secret.  Deep down, im truly happy for your existence. Youre like a sun after my stormy days. You brought uncountable laughs, joys, and im totally grateful for having you around. As a bestfriend, and now a boyfriend, which---i still never expected this. When i heard that you love me too, i wouldnt believe it.  But for real it, please let me be kind and treat you well with no fears, no doubts, without being scared of watching you leave like others in my past.  Please let me love you slowly, unconditionally, without me needing to ask for anything in return because i believe you'll do things for me without i have to explain.  Please make things easy for us and i will do the same.  Please stay, please let me be your light in your darkest days, let me be your home when you're e...
Post a Comment
Read more