LITTLE ADVENTURE

 funny how a person could keep so many secrets.

'Lets find something exciting to bring your sparks back' - said a friend to me. When i told him im no longer see the life as exciting as it was. While busy finding the rootcause, i think i'll just write things down. Of who i wanna be, of what i seek, of what i find exciting. Either to grab back the sparks , or as a lists of things i must do before my death. -- So here's my top list! 1. Volunteering. Teaching kids, developing a district, contribute to a conservation.  2. 

 Just someday, maybe i'll runaway out of everything to find my own peace. The thoughts to end these all keep coming back. The idea of feeling worthless, useless, thinking that im such a huge failure and disappointment keep rising--and i couldnt help myself this time. Gue merasa apapun yg gue kerjain sekarang ga akan ada artinya buat siapapun, including diri gue sendiri.  Gue nggak punya cita-cita yg gue pegang. Gue nggak punya bayangan dari hidup ideal itu kayak gimana. I even think--kalo gue udahin semuanya sekarang, things will just be fine, people will easily forget me, and i'll be replaced within days. Karena gue believe, gue ga pernah se-matters itu buat orang lain. Buat dunia ini. They'll just remember my name, but that's it.  Well, maybe someday. Maybe when i'm ready. Maybe when the time is right. Maybe when the light is no longer here. I'll just let go of everything.

 I just went silenced when you threw me the question, "why?" I can't speak but thinking - is it real? Is it true that it hurts or is it just me-being overly dramatic on things i shouldn't worry about at all? I can't figure out why. I kept calling myself back, why.  Is there any unhealed trauma that still sit right in me? Blown up as a chaos every time it gets triggered?  Maybe it's because i spent my whole childhood watching my Mom crying-where i couldn't help her, i couldn't help myself either. Feeling worthless, helpless - where i wasn't supposed to exist. Maybe it's because i spent years of life watching my Dad lying & screaming. Leaving me feeling like i need to find an escape out of my own so-called home and family. Maybe it sounds confusing. Maybe it seems unusual. Maybe it's out of your reach. Maybe you won't get it. Maybe now, or later on, you'll still find me crying-or not knowing what to do-or find it hard to process ...

And tonight the feeling came back. The fear that often comes, the ones i kept denied. The fear of attachment. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of losing myself over you. The fear of finding yourself walking away. The fear of not finding a way back home, when you're no longer here. Where will I go, then?  Is there even a safe place called 'home'?

"Why am i here, by the way?" I kept thinking this way--not for a short few minutes but for a pretty long period of time. I kept thinking that i wasn't good enough for anyone, dan kayanya ga akan pernah deh bisa deh buat sesuai sm standar yg orang2 punya. Not pretty enough, not hardworking enough, not great enough in terms of anything. As if gue ga deserve juga buat ada di posisi skrg. Kaya ga oke aja ya buat disayang, atau ga memungkinkan aja buat jadi orang yg bisa diandalkan. Kayanya ga bisa, ga boleh, ga pantes, dan harusnya bukan gue yg ada di sini? It should've been someone else, a better one, prettier one, yang mungkin punya ability buat jadi favoritnya semua orang. Yang jelas bukan gue aja. Gue beberapa kali dalam beberapa minggu terakhir ngerasa kalo gue ngga deliver maksimal dalam beberapa hal, dan even for the great things i do--rasanya gue masih salah aja, masih kurang aja. Gue nggak berhenti nyari jawaban gue kurangnya di mana, salahnya di mana, dan ketika...

  To my dearest buddy--well now is my boyfriend, Naufal Ariq, i have no idea if someday you'll read this words or no. I probably wont show this to you and i am sorry for keeping this as a secret.  Deep down, im truly happy for your existence. Youre like a sun after my stormy days. You brought uncountable laughs, joys, and im totally grateful for having you around. As a bestfriend, and now a boyfriend, which---i still never expected this. When i heard that you love me too, i wouldnt believe it.  But for real it, please let me be kind and treat you well with no fears, no doubts, without being scared of watching you leave like others in my past.  Please let me love you slowly, unconditionally, without me needing to ask for anything in return because i believe you'll do things for me without i have to explain.  Please make things easy for us and i will do the same.  Please stay, please let me be your light in your darkest days, let me be your home when you're e...