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Well, maybe

 I just went silenced when you threw me the question, "why?"

I can't speak but thinking - is it real? Is it true that it hurts or is it just me-being overly dramatic on things i shouldn't worry about at all?

I can't figure out why. I kept calling myself back, why. 

Is there any unhealed trauma that still sit right in me? Blown up as a chaos every time it gets triggered? 

Maybe it's because i spent my whole childhood watching my Mom crying-where i couldn't help her, i couldn't help myself either. Feeling worthless, helpless - where i wasn't supposed to exist.

Maybe it's because i spent years of life watching my Dad lying & screaming. Leaving me feeling like i need to find an escape out of my own so-called home and family.

Maybe it sounds confusing. Maybe it seems unusual. Maybe it's out of your reach.

Maybe you won't get it.

Maybe now, or later on, you'll still find me crying-or not knowing what to do-or find it hard to process things. 

Maybe you'll see me playing ghost when i see something threaten me - when i see you having the potential to hurt me.

Maybe it's the baggage that i'll forever keep inside. 

Maybe it'll forever be my biggest weakness i won't ever talk about.

Maybe it'll shut me down, someday.

And maybe these whole time i was just too good at pretending. 

Maybe the idea of me being ready for love was never true. 

Maybe it's gonna be me - loving you, but will never me - being loved.

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