LITTLE ADVENTURE

It's 9pm in 22th Oct. It triggers me, hard. It's like opening an old scar. It's like recalling the memories i've been trying to erase. It's like being pushed to watch the playbacks all over again, when all i did was trying to burn the disks. Something was aching, nauseous, screaming loud inside my head, turn into the fasten heartbeat, hand shaking, goosebumps all over my body. Should i run? Take the pills? Cut the wrist? Hit the walls? Drown myself? Or just cry loud? just so the pain will stop, just so you can stop.

when im with you, every second feels like me living in the movie.

 funny how a person could keep so many secrets.

'Lets find something exciting to bring your sparks back' - said a friend to me. When i told him im no longer see the life as exciting as it was. While busy finding the rootcause, i think i'll just write things down. Of who i wanna be, of what i seek, of what i find exciting. Either to grab back the sparks , or as a lists of things i must do before my death. -- So here's my top list! 1. Volunteering. Teaching kids, developing a district, contribute to a conservation.  2. 

 Just someday, maybe i'll runaway out of everything to find my own peace. The thoughts to end these all keep coming back. The idea of feeling worthless, useless, thinking that im such a huge failure and disappointment keep rising--and i couldnt help myself this time. Gue merasa apapun yg gue kerjain sekarang ga akan ada artinya buat siapapun, including diri gue sendiri.  Gue nggak punya cita-cita yg gue pegang. Gue nggak punya bayangan dari hidup ideal itu kayak gimana. I even think--kalo gue udahin semuanya sekarang, things will just be fine, people will easily forget me, and i'll be replaced within days. Karena gue believe, gue ga pernah se-matters itu buat orang lain. Buat dunia ini. They'll just remember my name, but that's it.  Well, maybe someday. Maybe when i'm ready. Maybe when the time is right. Maybe when the light is no longer here. I'll just let go of everything.

 I just went silenced when you threw me the question, "why?" I can't speak but thinking - is it real? Is it true that it hurts or is it just me-being overly dramatic on things i shouldn't worry about at all? I can't figure out why. I kept calling myself back, why.  Is there any unhealed trauma that still sit right in me? Blown up as a chaos every time it gets triggered?  Maybe it's because i spent my whole childhood watching my Mom crying-where i couldn't help her, i couldn't help myself either. Feeling worthless, helpless - where i wasn't supposed to exist. Maybe it's because i spent years of life watching my Dad lying & screaming. Leaving me feeling like i need to find an escape out of my own so-called home and family. Maybe it sounds confusing. Maybe it seems unusual. Maybe it's out of your reach. Maybe you won't get it. Maybe now, or later on, you'll still find me crying-or not knowing what to do-or find it hard to process ...

And tonight the feeling came back. The fear that often comes, the ones i kept denied. The fear of attachment. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of losing myself over you. The fear of finding yourself walking away. The fear of not finding a way back home, when you're no longer here. Where will I go, then?  Is there even a safe place called 'home'?