12 am thoughts

"Why am i here, by the way?"

I kept thinking this way--not for a short few minutes but for a pretty long period of time. I kept thinking that i wasn't good enough for anyone, dan kayanya ga akan pernah deh bisa deh buat sesuai sm standar yg orang2 punya. Not pretty enough, not hardworking enough, not great enough in terms of anything. As if gue ga deserve juga buat ada di posisi skrg. Kaya ga oke aja ya buat disayang, atau ga memungkinkan aja buat jadi orang yg bisa diandalkan. Kayanya ga bisa, ga boleh, ga pantes, dan harusnya bukan gue yg ada di sini? It should've been someone else, a better one, prettier one, yang mungkin punya ability buat jadi favoritnya semua orang. Yang jelas bukan gue aja.

Gue beberapa kali dalam beberapa minggu terakhir ngerasa kalo gue ngga deliver maksimal dalam beberapa hal, dan even for the great things i do--rasanya gue masih salah aja, masih kurang aja. Gue nggak berhenti nyari jawaban gue kurangnya di mana, salahnya di mana, dan ketika gue tau bahwa itu valid--yg gue lakukan pasti adalah berusaha buat benerin. Gue nggak deny things, kok. Ketika gue tau ada yg ga tepat, gue pasti willing to improve for the better. Tapi kalo salah dan kurangnya selalu ada di mata orang lain, gue bisa apa?

I can do nothing except hating myself even more. Gue merasa nggak pantes aja buat being recognized, nggak pantes buat disayang sama keluarga dan pacar gue, gue nggak deserve buat hal2 baik yg saat ini ada dan hal yg bs gue rasain cuma--i do hate myself, as much, or even worse, or even more, than how much people hate me. Jadi, boleh nggak sih kalo gue bilang, "stop hating me, i already hated myself more than you do, kok, nggak perlu repot2." 

Gue selalu bilang, dan ntah udah berapa kali. Kalo gue bisa tenggelam skrg, gue mau banget. Kalo orang2 berharap gue buat digantiin sama orang lain, dalam peran apapun, kerjaan, keluarga, pacar, sahabat, gue juga mau. If there's someone yg bs play the role even better, gue willing kok buat leave this all. Gue sangat2 willing buat ga thriving lg sm hidup gue and just wave a bye.

Again, why am i here, by the way?

Most of the times, gue merasa diri gue ini ga matters. Apapun yg gue rasain itu ngga penting buat siapapun. Mungkin kalo gue ga ada pun orang2 ga akan merasa kehilangan. I literally feel like the world hate me so much di titik yg gue pun ga bisa nemu apa lagi yg mau gue kejar di hidup ini. Just, lost. 

I really wish i could find a way back, a hope to keep going.

I wish i won't get hurt easily over people's thoughts, or words, or actions :)