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Trying to know myself better

 Lately gue banyak merasa that i'm a failure for feeling "enough" with my current life situation and not craving for more or having any other ambition. Apakah gue salah?

Gue cukup iri anyway dengan my peers yang punya semangat tinggi perkara mengejar karir dan mimpi mereka. They also seek for self growth even grinding MUCH MORE than i do. Which eventually membuat gue jd berpikir bahwa "dengan gue merasa santai dan cukup with everything i currently have, kayanya gue salah. kayanya yg bener adalah gue harus punya clear ambition dan selalu punya sesuatu untuk gue kejar di usia 20 an ini."

I dont wanna look back and regret for not doing much things, but changing the habit of feeling lazy is also hard for me.

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The list.

'Lets find something exciting to bring your sparks back' - said a friend to me. When i told him im no longer see the life as exciting as it was. While busy finding the rootcause, i think i'll just write things down. Of who i wanna be, of what i seek, of what i find exciting. Either to grab back the sparks , or as a lists of things i must do before my death. -- So here's my top list! 1. Volunteering. Teaching kids, developing a district, contribute to a conservation.  2. 

just so the pain will stop, just so you can stop.

It's 9pm in 22th Oct. It triggers me, hard. It's like opening an old scar. It's like recalling the memories i've been trying to erase. It's like being pushed to watch the playbacks all over again, when all i did was trying to burn the disks. Something was aching, nauseous, screaming loud inside my head, turn into the fasten heartbeat, hand shaking, goosebumps all over my body. Should i run? Take the pills? Cut the wrist? Hit the walls? Drown myself? Or just cry loud? just so the pain will stop, just so you can stop.

Where will i go, then?

And tonight the feeling came back. The fear that often comes, the ones i kept denied. The fear of attachment. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of losing myself over you. The fear of finding yourself walking away. The fear of not finding a way back home, when you're no longer here. Where will I go, then?  Is there even a safe place called 'home'?