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Mempertanyakan hidup lagi, Nad?

Gue bener2 clueless bgt sm hidup gue lately. Curiously thinking, 7 bulan terakhir rasanya kaya lagi floating, ngga tau mau ke mana, ga tau apa yg gue kerjain bakal menghasilkan apa, ga tau akan ada di posisi ini berapa lama, sampe kapan. I just dont have any destination to go, and im going nowhere. Gue rasanya kaya lagi running on treadmill, keep doing it tapi ga tau ujungnya akan sampe di mana. I just live, with no goals, no ambitions, no dreams, no hopes. Feel like im losing myself bgt.

Gue ga bener-bener punya orang yg gue percaya buat cerita. Too sad to be open up anyway. Yakin gue berani nangis2 being true to people? Sama temen lama aja gue ga berani. Sama orang terdekat apa lagi. Sama keluarga?oh, nopeee. All they knew is im beyond happy sm hidup gue sekarang. Or at least, kalo gue ngerasa gue kosong, ujung2nya cuma diminta buat "banyakin bersyukur". And what i believe the most is, people hate me when i'm showing my true colors; desperate, gloomy, and sad. Orang2 ga akan mau gue bebanin sama cerita hidup yang isinya "galau ga tau mau ngapain" dan "i find it hard figuring things out". I believe everyone has they own struggles as well dan gue ga mungkin bisa dateng2 ceritain hal yg ga bagus ke mereka.

Tiap kali gue mempertanyakan hidup gue ini buat apa dan ke mana, gue berusaha bersyukur sama apa yang ada skrg. Gue ga komplain satu hal pun. Gue ga komplain soal kondisi kantor yg lagi chaos, atau kota yang ngebosenin, atau biaya pulang yang mahal, atau keluarga dan temen2 yg jauh dari tempat gue skrg. I do grateful for everything i got on my hands rn. Ga ada satupun hal yg gue rasa kurang apalagi gue sesali. It's just me, losing sparks of life. Hidup gue kaya ga ada warnanya. Its all just stable, datar, no ups and downs, ga ada sesuatu buat dikejar. I used to run into someone tapi yang kali ini ada bener2 bikin gue hopeless dan i dont think my latest relationship could work jadi gue mencoba untuk ga invest too much on this. Might be a wrong perspective but its the only thing that could save me from going insane. Setidaknya--gue jadi ngerem buat lakuin hal2 impulsif yang nunjukin kalo gue cinta banget sm doi. I just--limiting myself in few things to prevent me from any harm.

Gue lagi belajar banget buat ga put any expectation on people. Keluarga, sahabat, pacar, anyone. Yang gue expect itu cuma diri gue sendiri aja. Mungkin setelah nulis ini gue bakal coba figure out apa yang sebenernya gue mau dan butuhkan di dunia ini. Mungkin harusnya gue produce and think more instead of consuming things too much. Mungkin harusnya gue membatasi diri untuk ga perlu tau terlalu banyak hal. Ga ada salahnya sih buat dicoba!

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